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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant