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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.