Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Black Friday “markdowns” like
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while