Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?