my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Some of y’all tomorrow …
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.