HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
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If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
mechanics be like
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes