what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please