Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
knights of the ikea table
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing