I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…