my dad when a sex scene comes on
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage