“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm