[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Look at this
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.