Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
You Might Also Like
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Did…did a minotaur write this
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.