That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
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[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.