I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
You Might Also Like
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch