Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.