In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?