[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?