Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.