Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
You Might Also Like
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
me hitting on a model
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON