Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
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A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Cardio Made Easy
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*