Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.