My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.