[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
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Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”