ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I need a headline like this
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun