Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.