When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck