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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we鈥檝e owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn鈥檛 even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: 鈥搘e’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
At Walmart during the holidays like..
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I鈥檓 going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we鈥檙e just reaching out to you about your car鈥檚 extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-