doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
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ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.