Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You Might Also Like
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Shortcut
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”