*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I have no passwords left in me
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha