[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Always
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
RT if you know someone like this!!!
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.