*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
12653.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Real House Wines.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra