My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Holy moly
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
The news
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?