when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
You Might Also Like
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Always a metermaid never a meter
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”