“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
This is a sub tweet
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.