My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
You Might Also Like
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.