She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You Might Also Like
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Leonardo DiCaprisun
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully