The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
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Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
What my back needs
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.