Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*