I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.