My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
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Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!