Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!