In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
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Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Childbirth is so beautiful
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff