looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
You Might Also Like
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Hit me in the face with a bird
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Imma just leave this here…………
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal