I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Noah
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.