Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
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When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!