My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Just say no
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Hot hot hot 🥵
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell