[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand