sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.